Thirty-Something Soccer Mom

Many well-intentioned parents refrain from telling their daughters they’re pretty in hopes that they won’t grow up to be vain. But what if I told you that NOT telling your daughter she’s beautiful could not only contribute to her vanity but also put her at greater risk of sexual exploitation?

The selfie generation has created a whole new class of vanity addiction.

If you’re on Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook you already know what I mean. Chances are most of you follow or have at least one friend that’s a chronic selfie addict.  Many people see this selfie addiction as a form of vanity, and for many it is, but not in the way you might expect.

What’s important to understand about Vanity

is there are 2 types:

                             1- Excessive pride in one’s own appearance,

                             2- Excessive concern about one’s own appearance.

Understanding the difference between the two is critical in helping you raise a daughter that isn’t obsessed with her appearance, as well as someone who’s  less likely to be targeted and exploited by a sexual predator.

Surprising to many the 2nd form of vanity can be far more destructive to a woman’s identity and safety than the first. Let me explain why.

I’ve always been vain.

Not in a “stare in the mirror and fall in love with myself” kind of way. But in a
“I’m obsessed with my appearance; I need to check a mirror to make sure I look okay”        kind of way.

In other words, the second definition of vanity perfectly described my condition.

For the longest time I never knew why I was like this until several years ago a friend of mine shared with me the parenting philosophy she used with her daughters and suddenly it all clicked.

In our conversation, she told me that she and her husband intentionally refrained from telling their daughters (they had four) that they were pretty or beautiful. When I asked her why, she said they didn’t want them to associate their self worth with their physical appearance or to grow up to be vain.

I was intrigued with this idea (especially since I was new to raising a girl) and was open to any parenting tips and advice from someone with more experience than me.

She further explained that instead of complimenting their daughter’s physical appearance they chose instead to praise their other qualities like intelligence, compassion, bravery, patience, strength, creativity and kindness.

Later that night I ran the idea by my husband to see if he would be on board with adopting a similar policy with our then 3-year-old daughter.

“That’s stupid,” he said. “I’m not doing it.”

“What?” I replied in shock, “Why not?”

Again, I defended the position and laid out the reasons why we should consider this parenting approach.

But in the end he was adamant.

“First of all, even if I wanted to do it, I don’t think I could. How can I keep myself from telling her she’s pretty, when she is?”

“Second, I want her to hear it from me so she’s not so easily flattered when she hears it from someone else someday.”

For several weeks I reflected on what to do.

What was best? I wondered.

What kind of a daughter did I want to raise?

During this time I did a lot of thinking. Mostly about how I was raised and the impact it had on me and that’s when it all clicked. Slowly I began to understand more about my own struggle with vanity. It was one of those light bulb moments.  Some would call it an epiphany…

When I was a little girl no one ever told me I was pretty.

This may have been because I really wasn’t pretty, but even as I got older and my looks improved, I still don’t ever remember hearing my parents tell me I was beautiful.

Looking back, I think they probably shared similar views with my friend and didn’t want to encourage vanity either.

The problem with this is that by never telling me I was pretty, I never felt I was.  Throughout my teenage years and into my twenties I stressed way more than I should have over my physical appearance.  I thought if I just tried harder to look better, dress nicer or wear more make-up maybe I’d be pretty and someone would notice me.

For many years I was obsessed with looking at my reflection, not to admire what I saw but to obsess over how I looked.

If I’d been born in the age of smartphones and Instagram I’m certain that my insecurity and immaturity would have led me to be just like all the other teens and twenty-something’s who post way too many selfies on social media.  

I was always checking to make sure my pimples were covered, my hair looked good or that I had enough lip gloss on. For the longest time I couldn’t pass by a store window without glancing at my reflection. I couldn’t try on an outfit (even at home) without standing in front of a full-length mirror to make sure it covered my flaws and accentuated my assets. 

Making Progress-

It took me a long time to stop being obsessed with how I looked. The funny thing is that I didn’t start to make progress until after meeting and marrying my husband who from the beginning has always complimented me on how I looked.  

No matter what I was wearing or whether or not I had make-up on, he would tell me how pretty I was or how beautiful I looked.   At first I didn’t believe him, but in time I stopped rolling my eyes and began to believe that maybe I was pretty (which was something I’d never known or believed about myself).

 Sexual Exploitation-

Another reason you should tell you daughter she’s pretty is because if you don’t, someone else will and they may not have the best intentions.

I mentioned earlier that from the first time I met my husband he was very gracious in showering me with compliments on my appearance. Luckily, he was a good guy with good intentions. But what if he wasn’t? What if he’d had an ulterior motive, a far more sinister one?

What if he was trying to seduce me or lure me into a compromising situation using my need for acceptance and validation as the bait?

Recently I listened to a radio broadcast that featured a guest speaker fighting the war on sex-trafficking and sexual exploitation. In his work he had the opportunity to interview a sex trafficker who’d successfully beguiled dozens of young women into a life of sexual exploitation.

When asked how he targeted his victims he gave this chilling response:

“Oh, that’s easy…” he said.

“I go to the mall and look for a young girl who’s by herself or with a friend. Then I approach her and tell her she’s beautiful. If she looks me in the eye and tells me ‘thank you’ I move on. But if she looks down at the ground, seems embarrassed, or replies ‘no I’m not,’ then I know I’ve found the right girl.”

Sexual predators prey on the insecurities of young women by using as bait their innate desire to be seen as attractive and desirable to men. If she already knows she’s attractive and desirable then she’s won’t be so easily flattered by a dangerous stranger or even the guy in her Biology class at school.

So think about that.

How would your daughter respond to such a compliment?  

If you think she’d be embarrassed or blush then you’re not telling her she’s pretty often enough.  When you regularly tell a girl she’s beautiful she begins to believe it and a self acceptance grows within her.  It’s that confidence that allows her to feel comfortable with who she is regardless of her size, shape, hair color or race.

I don’t want my daughter to be vain.

No one wants their daughter to be vain but never complimenting her on her appearance is not the way to achieve this. Your daughter needs to hear that she’s pretty, beautiful and attractive.  

If she knows it she’ll be able to relax and not be so pre-occupied with how she looks all the time.  She’ll also be less vulnerable to the advances of a sexual predator.  From sexting to sex-trafficking she’ll be far less likely to take the bait.  

Because every little girl (and every woman) wants to feel pretty.

So tell her she is.

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