Thirty-Something Soccer Mom

It’s a painful experience to read through dozens of cards filled with sweetly expressed sentiments and wonder what it would feel like to have that kind of mom. 

You’re standing in front of a huge display of greeting cards but you can’t find a single one that expresses the truth about your mom.  

I’ve been there.

Every year I struggled with feelings of obligation to be a “good daughter” and mail her a Mothers Day card.  

As I searched for a card I’d read a few lines then quietly put it back.  Not that one.  I’d reach for another, then another but almost always I’d have to put them back. 

Sometimes I’d get all the way to the inside cover and think I found one, but the last line or two of sentiment was in such opposition to the truth that I just couldn’t do it. These cards were written for someone else’s mother-not mine.

While searching, I’d often see other people holding several cards in their hands.  What would that be like?  I’d wonder.  Their challenge was to decide which card they liked best while mine was to find even one that expressed appreciation without being a card full of lies.  Many times I left the aisle with empty hands and a hurting heart.  I’ll give her a call this year instead, I’d tell myself. 

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So for anyone out there struggling right now to find a Mothers Day card I’d like to share with you some things I’ve learned over the years that have helped me and I hope they’ll help you too.

1–Don’t feel guilty or bad that you can’t find a card. It’s not your fault. 

It’s not your fault that your childhood experiences and relationship with your mother are not the kind of thing that inspire a Hallmark card.  Quit feeling bad or guilty that you can’t muster up any tender feelings towards your mother.  If they’re not there, they’re not there.  It’s not your fault.  Free yourself from the guilt and accept that when it comes to mothers you didn’t hit the jackpot, but that’s okay.

2- Go Generic.  I used to go to the “From Daughter” section when picking out a Mothers Day card. Big mistake.  All this ever did was remind me of what I didn’t have in my mother/daughter relationship and make my heart ache for what I was missing in my life.  A few years ago a friend of mine gave me the BEST advice for finding a Mothers Day card when she recommended I choose a card from the generic “Happy Mothers Day” section.   In this section you’ll find a nice assortment of pretty cards with minimal words wishing her a great day filled with all the things she loves best.  It’s made it so much easier to find a card that doesn’t feel like I’m exaggerating the truth or signing my name to words that aren’t sincere.

3- For good or bad, Recognize the contribution your mother made in who you are today. You may not be able to say that your mother is an inspiration to you, that she molded and shaped you into the person you are today.  You may not be able to say you look up to her and want to be just like her.  Nevertheless, her contribution to who you are is still a significant part of your life.  

The person you are today may not be because of her, but in spite of her.  Maybe the reason you’re such a good listener to your kids is because your mother was too busy or didn’t care to hear about what was going on in your life.  So in a way, she still played a part in helping you become who you are.

4- Be Grateful and Focus on the Positive.

As bad of a mother as you think you had, there’s always someone that has it worse.  Even you can find something to be grateful for in your Mother.  One year I decided to make a list of all the ways  my mother had positively impacted my life.  I wasn’t expecting the list to be very long but when I stopped focusing on the negative and made a real effort to look for the good I was able to find many things that gave me a sense of appreciation for her contribution to my life. 

5-Give your Mother Grace.

Being a mother can be really hard and it doesn’t come natural for everyone.  Even with their best efforts many women struggle to be a good Mom.  

For years my own mother used to tell me “she did the best she could.” It used to irritate me so much to hear her say this, I thought it was her excuse for her neglect and abuse.   It wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I began to understand and give her grace for all the mistakes she’d made. 

After many years I came to understand that she really did do the best she could.  Maybe her mothering wasn’t poetic but nonetheless I truly believe she did her best.  In finding forgiveness for her my own heart has found peace.  Forgiveness truly is a balm for the wounded soul.

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My relationship with my mother is still a work in progress.  It probably won’t ever inspire a Hallmark card or be the kind of relationship that most of my friends have with their moms, but that’s okay.  God has given me many other blessings in my life and one of them has been the lessons in forgiveness and love that I’ve come to learn because I didn’t have the perfect Mom.

Happy Mothers Day