Thirty-Something Soccer Mom

On this day 15 years ago I was supposed to be celebrating.   After 9 long months the scheduled date for our son’s birth had finally arrived.  My husband had reservations at our favorite restaurant to celbrate.  It was the same restaurant on Waikiki beach where we’d had our first date and where we’d eaten dinner the night he proposed nearly 3 years before.

When the alarm went off at 6am, (Hawaii local time) the radio blared.  Within seconds I knew something was wrong.

In the brief moment before my husband found the snooze button, I heard the announcer use words like disaster and tragedy.  Nine minutes later when the alarm went off again the announcer was still talking.  My husband turned it off and sleepily groaned.

“Something’s happened.” I said.  “Something serious.”

I rolled my 9 month pregnant body off the mattress and reached for my robe.  I walked into the living room of our one bedroom cottage just up the hill from downtown, Honolulu.

60 years earlier on this very island thousands of Americans awoke to similar news of an attack on American soil when Pearl Harbor was bombed on December 7th.  As I reached for the remote and flipped on the TV, every station showed the same scene.  The twin towers in New York set against a clear blue sky with billows of smoke emerging from the side of the building.  They replayed the footage of an airplane flying into the tower again and again on a continuous loop as the news anchor tried to explain the situation with limited information.

We stared at the TV in shock and wonder.  How could this have happened, we thought.  Naively, we believed it may have been the result of plane malfunction or even pilot error.  My husband headed to the shower to get ready for work as I settled on the couch and continued to watch.

I was a 23 years old Air Force veteran who’d been honorably discharged just 8 weeks earlier after serving for 5 years as an intelligence analyst.  My husband was still enlisted, stationed on Hickam Air Force Base near Pearl Harbor.  He worked at the Pacific Headquarters Building still marred with bullet holes from the December 7th attack.

While he showered, I continued to watch the broadcast.

The more I watched, the more unsettled I became as I realized this was not an accident.  I ran to the bathroom and reported through the shower curtain what I’d just learned.  I waddled back to the TV just in time to hear President Bush give his first public statement about the attacks.

“Today, we’ve had a national tragedy…Two airplanes… have crashed…into the World Trade Center… in an apparent terrorist attack on our country.”

Moments later my husband emerged from the bedroom dressed in his green Vietnam-era  BDU’s.  As he sat on the couch lacing up his combat boots I was gripped with sadness and fear.  I didn’t want him to leave.  I didn’t want him anywhere near that base.  My emotions began to overwhelm me as I realized that an attack on our country meant my husband could be in danger. Tears streamed down my cheeks as he hugged and kissed my forehead goodbye.  He grabbed his hat, keys and wallet and headed out the door.

Returning to the couch I continued to watch, eyes glued to the screen, waiting for answers and understanding.  A little later reports came in that there was a fire at the Pentagon.  I called my husband on our cell phone to update him on the breaking news.

By then his car was in line at the main gate waiting to get on base.

“There’s a huge back up,” he said.  “They’re checking ID’s and have a bunch of dogs and security police searching each vehicle.

“I’m scared,” I said.  “Be careful.”

“Don’t worry, babe.  I’ll be okay.”

I hung up the phone my eyes brimming with tears.  I fell to my knees in prayer seeking comfort from the only source I knew could bring me the peace I so desperately needed.

“Please God, not today. This is such a terrible day.  Please don’t let my son be born today.”

 The rest of the day passed slowly with no explanation or understanding as to who was responsible for the attack.

That evening we debated whether or not we should cancel our reservation for dinner.    It felt wrong going anywhere on a day like this.  As we drove to the restaurant I remember looking out the window feeling embarrassed and guilty that we were going out for a night downtown when others were experiencing such pain and loss.  

How many mothers and fathers had left work today not knowing they wouldn’t be home to eat dinner with their families?  How many children said goodbye to their parent’s not realizing it would be the last time.

Our nation was in a state of fear and mourning.  I could feel the grief in the air.

Everything felt different in the restaurant. The usual bustle of excitement from tourists was subdued and reserved.  Whether spoken or not it was surely on the minds of everyone.  

At times I thought I heard the low murmur of voices in the background.  “Have you heard?” they’d say.  I wondered if maybe there were some who still hadn’t heard.  I didn’t want their vacation to be ruined but at the same time felt they needed to know.

And so we sat, quietly eating our dinner trying to be excited about the upcoming arrival of our son all the while feeling the dark shadow of tragedy hang over us like an open umbrella.

For months, September 11th had been a day I’d been awaiting with joyful anticipation.  But when it arrived it filled me with a sadness and sorrow I’ll never forget.

It was the day our nations eyes were opened to a growing evil that threatened our security and way of life.  It was the day we looked our enemy in the face and saw in their dark eyes the hate they held for us and our way of life.  No longer could we look the other way and fool ourselves into believing that we were safe and secure.  

September 11th will always serve as a reminder to me that our freedom and way of life are under attack.  Until that day, I had no idea there was a group of people thousands of miles away that had so much hatred and contempt for us as a nation.

I learned that our generation faces an evil just as terrifying as Hitlers genocide and that similar to the Nazi invasion even a small evil (if left unchecked) can grow into a dark force that can threaten the entire earth.  It’s my hope and prayer that all freedom loving people throughout the world will stand together in unity and love to fight against this growing tide of evil in order to preserve freedom and protect our way of life.  

9-11-2001